Fruitcake Follies
by neonquincy1217
Summary: Funny what a single fruitcake can do to two unlikely individuals on a stormy Christmas Eve... HeiZuha, with a mention of ShinRan. Written for Poirot Cafe's Themed Writing Competition#3: Christmas Eve prompt. Rated T as usual. Happy Holidays!


**A/N: **Yes, I know, I have fics pending for update, but... HAPPY HOLIDAYS!~  
>BTW this is written for Poirot Cafe's Christmas Prompt.<br>This, too, marks my first shot on a HeiZuha oneshot so please bear with me if some things are out of place.

But wait, here's an obligatory vocab box!~  
>*ahoboke - idiot in Osaka-_ben  
>*<em>Kamisama - God  
>*kuso - curse it, damn it<br>*chotto - wait  
>*Itadakiitadakimasu - an exclamation said before eating, much like 'thanks for the food'  
>*mattaku - 'geez'<br>*mou - an exclamation, much like 'geez'  
>*saa - can work in ways like 'hey' or 'well', but in this case is used as 'I don't know'<br>*warui - "sorry"

* * *

><p><strong>Fruitcake Follies<strong>

Summary: Funny what a single fruitcake can do to two unlikely individuals on a stormy Christmas Eve

"Take them off, ya moron!" a voice with a thick Osakan accent echoed through the cabin that smells vaguely like ice water and rotting wood.

"_AHO!_ Like anyone would do that just 'cos someone told 'em to," boomed another, more feminine voice.

It's Christmas Eve in the slopes of Niigata, and a certain Hattori Heiji and his childhood friend Toyama Kazuha found themselves in a small, deserted cabin in the middle of who-knows-where. The howls of the wind from outside sound vaguely like a dying animal, and the nerve numbing cold does nothing good to their depleting psyche; heck it's making them more and more foolish by the minute.

Oh, Kamisama must really be a mischievous being for putting them in this unfortunate situation. Whilst some may pass it off as their punishment for being naughty this year, Heiji can only think this must be Divine Intervention at its ugliest form. Just minutes ago, they thought things couldn't get any worse when they got stuck in the blizzard, lost and without cellphone reception in unfamiliar territory, with nothing but the thick bundle of clothes they're currently on and a seemingly harmless box under one of Heiji's arms. They thought wrong. Rather than being in the warm, cozy ski lodge their lovely friends from Beika rented (sponsored by Suzuki Sonoko, of course), here they are, locked up in an old cabin too prone to destruction—and during a snowstorm, even!

All because of a single fruitcake…

That's right, the fruitcake Kazuha kept telling everyone was from her cousin in New York—that same fruitcake she so insistently brought with her to Niigata in courtesy to Sera-san whom she knows has been craving said pastry for the last three weeks—went missing. Naturally Kazuha just couldn't stand the thought of the fruitcake going missing, and dragged Heiji out with her to look for it, leaving Ran, Shinichi, Sera and Sonoko in charge of decorating the place for their Christmas party, a yearly event they started since turning of age.

After hours of fruitless (no pun intended) search, of going down to the bus stop, to the restaurant by the foot of the mountains, and then going up to the ski rental shops and to the ski lifts, they finally found it and were finally on their way back to the lodge if it wasn't for them getting stuck in a blizzard and ultimately lost without any way of contact with the others. Why, if it wasn't for the seemingly random cabin they found near the mountain summit, they could have frozen to death in the snow.

"I'm not just anyone, _boke_! I'm yer best friend, don'cha trust me enough?"

"Of course I do! It's just… why do I hafta" Kazuha blushed another shade scarlet, "t-take my clothes off with you around? B-besides… y-y'know how sensitive I am to the cold, Heiji"

"Even more reason why y'hafta get naked. You'll catch a cold keepin' those soaked clothes on."

"W-w-what about you?"

"Well, what'cha think I'm gon' do? 'Course I'll dry my clothes off too"

"B-but what if the owner comes home all of a sudden?"

"I told ya, nobody prob'ly lives here!" the superintendent's son informed her, irritation evident in his voice. "I mean, the place is all dusty and there's no trace of life anywhere," he added as support to the statement.

Despite this, Kazuha kept throwing him an uneasy look. Heiji, with his eyes half-lidded, said to her in assurance "Don't worry. No crazy person will go here in a snowstorm."

_Except us, maybe, _Kazuha thought as she crossed her arms together.

"Yer not gonna do anythin' funny are ya?" said she with a look of suspicion.

"Tch, so ya don't trust me after all? FINE!" Heiji barked before he retreated to the miniature fireplace in defeat. "Don't blame me if ya catch a cold, got that?"

In exasperation, the Detective of the West busied himself with examining the cabin. The place is completely hollow, save for the fireplace on the far right side, a small pile of firewood beside it and a wool carpet that covers half the floor. And to say their little safe haven is dusty would be an understatement. Heiji took note of a first aid cabinet hanging on the wall and thought this cabin must be mainly used for refuge.

"What do we do now, Heiji?" Kazuha who busied herself with dusting off the bare floor with her palms asked as she scrambled to her feet and to her childhood friend's side. One hand unconsciously grabbed Heiji by the arm like a child seeking protection. The dark-skinned detective can on tilt his head to her and shake his arm off.

"What else do we do?" the lad rolled his eyes and started looking for a way to start the fire. "It's pitch dark out there. We can only stay warm and dry 'til the blizzard subsides."

Less than a minute later, with a little help from a random matchbox he found sitting by the windowsill, Heiji finally started the fire, took his jacket off and placed it on the floor. Kazuha copied her best friend, first getting her mufflers and scarf off, then finally her jacket. Kazuha beamed in delight upon realizing there was no need for her to get rid of all her layers of clothing.

"Waa, it's a good thing my clothes din't get wet all the way through!" she squealed, much to Heiji's chagrin.

"Hn? Is it really?" he muttered under his breath, completely forgetting that right now he's alone with her in a hallowed 3x3x3 meters of space. The red-faced Kazuha did not hesitate to pinch Heiji on the ear upon the comment. "WHAT DID YA JUST SAY?!"

"Ow, ow, ow, not the ear, dear, not the ear," the dark-skinned boy said, but this only made the ponytailed girl pull on said ear.

"And _what _did ya just call me?" the girl asked in a deeper voice than usual.

"Come on Kazuha gimme a break! We're stuck in the middle of who-knows-where an' we can't afford to use our strength yappin' at each other."

Kazuha gave Heiji one last tug before she lets go with a "humph," turned her back on him and crossed her arms together. Said guy can only sigh in relief.

Awkward silence enveloped the cabin for a while. Kazuha found her solitary spot by the fireplace, while Heiji would press his face against the only window every now and then to check if it's safe to come out. There's just no way he'd stay stuck in there with the woman he loves to hate the most (or is it the other way around?) for the night. And that goes true for Kazuha as well. At this rate, he might start a different fire before they're out of there!

Heiji wouldn't want to admit it, but he's stuck in a really bad situation right now. Yes, he's not that good with alone-time, and yes, he's not that adept with cold temperatures. If they get stuck here for the rest of the night, he fears he might start acting like a spoiled puppy dog craving for a cuddle. Not like it's a bad thing; despite _still _not being a couple, he'd prefer a cuddle with his childhood friend any time. But judging from all those times he screwed up because of her, he'll never know what might happen, right?

And yes, this time around, he once again blames his misfortune on Kazuha… and a seemingly-innocent fruitcake.

To get his mind off things the detective pulled out his cellphone to check the time. It's been three to four hours since they've gone missing, and Heiji's starting to wonder whether or not Shinichi even noticed their absence.

"_Kuso_, still no reception," he whispered. From behind him, Kazuha lifted her head and asked, "Ya think we'll be all right Heiji?"

The fact that Kazuha started talking to him again was enough sign that her destructive tendency is at bay. He then approached her and sat by the fire as well, next to the box of fruitcake he now considers the culprit.

"We should be fine fer the next hour or so," he said in assurance before he reached for his jacket and put it over Kazuha's shoulder. "Kudou would have noticed after all…"

-*-.-*-.-*-

"Ha-choooo!"

"_Chotto_, Kudou-kun, did you catch a cold?" Sera Masumi asked in concern as she finished setting up the table. Shinichi sniffed and ran a finger over his nose.

"Nah, someone's probably just spreading gossip about me."

"On Christmas Eve?"

"Some people just don't have lives of their own, do they?" Sonoko commented, barging into the kitchen with Ran, who's got a whole bowl of fruit punch ready for drinking. Sonoko, herself, was bringing with her a bucketful of fried chicken.

The four then finished setting up the table with Christmas cake and mashed potatoes. Ran paused to look at the fruit of their hard work, her hands on her waist, and then tilted her head to the side in wonder.

"Ah-le? I feel like something's missing?"

"Really?" Sera interjected and proceeded to observe the table. "Doesn't look like you missed anything, Ran-chan."

Sonoko pondered for a moment before she looked around and told everyone, "Come to think of it, something _feels _missing…"

"You think so too?" Ran asked. Her boyfriend, Shinichi, thought it best to ignore the idle talk and looked out the windows. He stared in thought at the black-and-white backdrop. Somehow a small part of him feels uneasy.

_That's one strong blizzard…_

And all that time, both Heiji and Kazuha remained forgotten…

-*-.-*-.-*-

The night deepens without any sign of rescue for Heiji and Kazuha, and now, it's not just the strong gust that's making a sort-of growling sound.

"Oi, Kazuha, can't ya stop that stomach of yours from acting up?"

Said girl blushed in embarrassment. But just as Heiji told her those words, his own stomach grumbled as well. Both Osakans turned dot-eyed upon what just happened.

"Look who's talkin'," Kazuha said in retaliation before wrapping herself tighter.

"C-can't be helped. We've been stuck fer hours in the cold after all," Heiji reasoned and Kazuha just threw him a bitter look.

"Anyway," the girl said as she turned her head to the direction of the window, "it doesn't look like anyone's comin' any time soon."

"Geez, did they forget about us?" the dark-skinned detective asked out loud as he once again flipped his phone open to check the time. _Some friend you are, Kudou!_

"Naa, what do we do, Heiji?" the ponytailed girl beside him asked for the nth time that night as she tugged on his shirt. Once again, Heiji pulled himself away.

"Quit yer yappin' already!" he bickered as he pounded a hand to the floor. Said hand did not produce a pounding sound, though, nor did it hit the ground. Rather, Heiji accidentally squished the red-and-green colored box in between them.

"Huh?"

"WAAAAH!" an alarmed Toyama Kazuha shouted upon realizing the fate of the tasty pastry they spent hours to look for. Kazuha hurriedly opened the box to check its state and found it squished. "LOOK WHAT YOU DID, _AHO_! Sera-chan's fruitcake is ruined!"

The dumbstruck Heiji watched as the girl beside him took the fruitcake and cradled it like a baby.

"Yer over-reacting! It's just a piece of bread…" and he trailed off and stared at nothing upon the realization.

"No it's not! It's 'made with love' by my cousin—_chotto!_" Kazuha exclaimed when Heiji snatched the fruitcake out of her arms and proceeded to shove it to his mouth.

"_Itadaki_-!"

"HEIJI YOU LITTLE—" Kazuha bellowed as she whacked the glutton on the head. And even before Heiji can take a bite, their only supply of food hit the floor and collapsed to pieces.

"AAAAH!" the couple screamed in unison. Kazuha crawled in an effort to salvage the fruitcake but Heiji beat her to it.

"LOOK WHAT YOU DID CRAZY WOMAN!" he shouted, raising a piece of the pastry to his face.

"THAT'S _MY _LINE _AHO_! CLEAN THIS UP!"

"THAT GOES WITHOUT SAYIN'!" and he shoved the piece into his mouth before he picked up another nibble and ate it.

The flabbergasted Kazuha blinked. How men can become beasts in the face of hunger is beyond her. She shook the thought off before she too fell to her knees and said sheepishly, "Leave some for me too, _aho_. Y-yer not the only hungry one…"

And they spent the next few hours acting like scavengers, cleaning up the mess they did and _barely _surviving insanity.

-*-.-*-.-*-

"By the way, is Hattori and Kazuha-chan gonna come down yet?" Shinichi said out of the blue, finishing the last of his fried chicken. He checks his watch and added, "It's getting late."

Upon the detective's words, Ran stood up from the table and said, "I'll go get them. They must have fallen asleep or something."

Out of the blue, Sonoko, who's sitting parallel from Sera, stood up in surprise and cried, "OH NO!"

The girl detective was a few inches short of dropping her food to the floor but regained composure just in time. "Uh, Sonoko-chan?"

Horror was clear as day on Sonoko's pale face as she shouted with teary eyes, "I completely forgot they told me to tell you they're going out to look for Sera-chan's fruitcake!"

Shinichi scrambled to his feet as the source of his uneasiness finally came to him.

"I'm going out," he said briefly and exited the kitchen.

"Ah, Shinichi!" Ran started, but the detective was well out of the lodge by the time she spoke.

Sera, too, stood up and went the same direction Shinichi did, "I'll go down to the station. The signal's too crappy because of the snowstorm. I'll go get the locals or something. They might be lost out there," she said, grabbing her hat and parka and practically stomping off the room.

"Be careful you two" Ran shouted after them.

"Mattaku, whoever thought this would end up like a night-out for us two?" Sonoko commented as she watched the two go. The karate-do can only laugh at this.

-*-.-*-.-*-

"I told ya not to have too much. You have super low tolerance to alcohol, _boke_," Heiji awkwardly informed the girl who's now clinging around his neck like a drunken sloth.

"Iz jus fruitkeiyk Heyjee Zuha-chan can ztil take care of herselllf."

The detective let out a much audible "oomph" when one of Kazuha's arms hit him in the gut. Heiji knows when his childhood friend starts referring to herself as 'Zuha-chan,' she's totally out of it.

"This makes no sense, tho. Just how much brandy was in that cake? How can you get drunk like this?"

"Zuha-chan's noooot drunk y' silly person," the ponytailed girl raised her lame hand to slap Heiji, but raised it too high than she intended and Kazuha ended up pulling the guy's hair by the roots.

The annoyed Heiji let out a groan.

"D'aaaah! SEE? This is _exactly _why I din't want you near that cake at the first place! Sure it keeps us warm but ya become like this. It's _alcohol, _for the love of—gaah!" he flipped, and accidentally dropped Kazuha to the carpet.

Perhaps it's the impact that did it. When Kazuha hit the ground, she just stayed there face up and limbs spread out, staring at the ceiling.

"K-Kazuha?" the lad called out, checking if said girl is all right. For a while, Heiji thought she could be saving enough strength to knock him down or something, but she stayed there the same way she fell. Heiji bent over to check on her, but just as he's only a few inches from her, she spoke.

"It's cold," she whispered. "We're not gonna die here, are we, Heiji?"

"Ttaku, whatcha sayin' all of a sudden? 'Course we're not," the boy replied. He then frantically reached for the girl's scarf and muffler and put it on her.

Mistaking the act for Heiji taking her clothes off, the still drunk Kazuha queried, "Are ya gonna take advantage of me?"

To this, Heiji turned as bright red as Rudolph's nose and stuttered, "S-s-stop sayin' nonsense, _boke_! Like I'd do something like that when yer in this state. Y' can't even tell left from right, _aho_."

Finally Heiji reached for his and Kazuha's jackets which were also left forgotten on the floor and covered her with them. When he did, he quickly turned away and used the weakening fire in the fireplace as an excuse to detach himself. The blushing Kazuha desperately hid her blush among the fabric.

"Aren't ya cold?" she asked, her voice a little hoarse. Kazuha sat up, elbows supporting her weight. From where she is, she can only make up of Heiji's silhouette keeping the fire going.

"Oi, don't sit up. Yer still out of it," the younger of the two reprimanded. Heiji went back to sit beside his best friend, rubbing his gloved hands together for extra warmth.

Contrary to what Heiji told her, Kazuha sat up straight and threw a portion of his scarf over Heiji. Now with their faces inches apart, their breaths mingled together, it doesn't seem too cold anymore. Silence ensued between them once again. Wordless thanks filled the lone cabin, and before either of them has realized it, they've already exchanged a small kiss on the lips. It was Heiji who first broke it, only to bring the carpet closer to the both of them, before both of them lied face-to-face.

"H-Heiji?" Kazuha slurred, trying to fathom what just happened. Heiji wasn't having any of it and told her, "D-don't misunderstand, _aho_. Yer breath was warm and I had to do something so I won't freeze to death."

"_Mou! _Zuha-chan's drunk but not stupid, stupid!"

The couple can only chuckle at this, and they stayed there cuddled and bundled up… under a carpet.

Heiji was just about to finally drift to sleep with Kazuha using one of his arms as substitute for a pillow, when the girl's voice brought him back to consciousness.

"Heiji?"

"Hm?" he slurred, not bothering to open his eyes.

"Why do we always get stuck in embarrassing situations?"

Both blushed beet red as the memory of them getting stuck handcuffed to each other drifted into their heads. Back then, since they did not have the key to the handcuffs, they had to spend the entire day stuck doing absolutely everything with each other—that includes getting laughed at by the neighboring kids, going to the toilet, and worst of all, getting dressed and undressed.

And that's just one of the many embarrassing moments where Heiji would ask himself why Kazuha is such a trouble magnet.

"_Saa_…" Heiji answered in nonchalance. "Maybe it's because you like gettin' me into trouble or somethin'."

"I'm being serious here," Kazuha hissed through gritted teeth.

"I don't mind, _aho_," Heiji mumbled with a hint of irritation. "Stop thinking unnecessary things! Is this what alcohol does to ya?"

"Heiji, it's Christmas," she reminded her best friend.

"Yeah?"

"Don't make me do something that'll hurt ya!"

Heiji twitched, but still did not bother to open his eyes. Instead, he pulled her to a hug.

"Y' can't hurt me, _Zuha,_" Heiji whispered directly at the girl's ear, and Kazuha can only bite her lip at this. Despite the fact that it's true, what Heiji did just now sent tingles to her chest, and it made her feel like a naïve seventeen-year-old once again.

"M-Merry Christmas," she stuttered, unable to think of anything else to say.

"Yeah," he replied in monotone.

"I got ya a gift but I left it with Ran-chan and the others."

Heiji didn't know why, but somehow that made him feel insulted. In a mocking voice he told her, "_Aho_. Here we are stuck in a blizzard and all y'can think about is gifts."

This made the girl confused, however, and she answered in a voice a little louder than what she was using, "What's so wrong about that?"

Kazuha almost yelped when Heiji held her tighter, but despite her voiceless complaints and attempts of pushing him away, her best friend never budged an inch.

"Can ya forget about that for a while and _only _think of me? Being with y' like this is enough Christmas gift to me."

Those were the words that made her stop, and before she was even aware of it, Kazuha's finally calmed down and fell asleep in her love's arms. And sure enough, she too can't ask for a better Christmas gift than this.

Heiji seemed calm on the outside, but inside, he's totally freaking out. Heck, just what person in their right mind tells anyone that kind of statement? And as to how or where he's pulling all these words from, he swore he has no idea… but once again he blames it on the fruitcake.

_I can only hope she remembers nothin' of this tomorrow…_

-*-.-*-.-*-

It's already bright out when a loud knock on the door awoke Heiji and Kazuha. Immediately after the heavy knocks, footsteps scrambled in, and the voice of a certain Kudou Shinichi pulled them completely from their slumber.

"Hattori!" Shinichi shouted, but upon seeing the couple bundled up in carpet, hastily looked away with a red face, thinking that the couple is bare naked underneath and has been spending the night like long-time lovers.

"WAAAAH!"

Both Heiji and Kazuha woke up with a start and shouted in unison as they hurriedly scrambled to their feet, getting strangled in Kazuha's scarf in the process.

"Oi, you two, calm down!" a man in his fifties, probably a local, stated. Another local, a boy in his teens, helped the Osakans out of the tangle of fabric.

"Ah, so this is where you two are," said the sing-song voice of a certain Sera Masumi, her olive eyes sparkling upon the sight.

"Sera-chan!" exclaimed Kazuha, still half-asleep but definitely out of the drunken state she was in some hours ago.

"Kudou?" Heiji blinked before he remembered why they had to get stuck in there longer than they had to. "About _time _y' found us, don'cha think?"

Said detective let out a couple of snickers, sheepishly scratching the back of his head, "Hahah, warui, warui. Sonoko said she forgot to tell us you guys went out."

Heiji felt the veins in his temples tighten, as the image of a laughing Sonoko crossed his mind. _That little…_

"I-in any case, are you two all right?" Shinichi asked, covering Heiji and Kazuha up in blankets.

"If by all right you meant curling up and sleeping on the floor with only a carpet, jackets, a fireplace and each other for warmth, then yes," the detective of the West said in sarcasm. He realized a second too late that he should not have said so much when a mischievous grin plastered the faces of both Kudou and Sera.

"Ah, so you celebrated Christmas without us and decided to 'start a fire' didn't you?" Shinichi asked, trying to sound as innocent as he can.

"Well yeah, we had to if we don't wanna freeze t—" Heiji began but froze halfway when he realized what his confidante really meant. With his face beet red he bellowed, "OI KUDOU, WHATCHA MEAN BY THAT HUH?!"

Shinichi couldn't help but chuckle seeing his rival flustered. This, however, earned him an elbow to the ribs, courtesy of Sera.

"_Mou_, Kudou-kun!" Sera said through a Cheshire cat-like grin, her double-tooth sticking out her mouth.

"Shall we go back? Ran-chan and Sonoko-chan saved you food to eat," she informed them, to which both Heiji and Kazuha's faces brightened.

"That sounds wonderful! We din't have anythin' so we ate your fruitcake, Sera-chan. Right, Heiji?"

"A-ah," Heiji agreed reluctantly. "But I'll have nothin' if it's another fruitcake, thank you very much!"

And so, Heiji made it his life-long goal to keep a certain Toyama Kazuha three meters away from alcohol and alcohol-based staple.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **Sooo? Whatcha think? *sparkly-sparkly eyes*

I dunno, I just thought Heiji and Kazuha would fit the part perfectly, as these two have been getting themselves stuck in embarrassing situations since time memorial...

Til then, nya!~ :D

**-neonquincy1217  
><strong>P.S. I broke my letter "Q," huhuhu :(


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